Devious Journal Entry

"Note: If your blood is Rh-negative, you'll need a shot of Rh immune globulin if you have vaginal spotting or bleeding unless you know for sure that the baby's father's blood is also Rh-negative or it's clear that the bleeding is not coming from the uterus."

I read this when I was searching today on "bleeding after conception/during conception" and got this somewhere in the loads of information.

I was pregnant awhile back and suffered tremendoulsy with little assistance. Anyway, I had no idea I was pregnant anyway until a few months later when my father told me I am a little overweight in the belly region. (I thought I was just gaining weight there).

Funny thing is, I destroyed my poor child by 1. probably not taking a shot for my RH neg. blood type 2. Smoking cigarettes a few times 3. Drinking alcohol 4. I may have even smoked marijianna (but this I cannot recal because of my somewhat poor memory).

Anyway, I am a special girl and I love my boyfriend very much. I want to have a beautiful baby with him, but I think my chances might not be good. I'm not quite sure.

I suffered tremendously from the last pregnancy and slept too much, ate a lot of shitty ass food and drank and smoked occassionally. I did this all prior to realizing I was pregnant.

A few months later I was diagnosed with depression, and I took medication and my thyroid was disturbed as well.

Turns out all this made me smarter and more aware of what I did, what I could do better next time, what to research, etc.

I feel like I could birth an amazing child and this would bring me a certain "Wholeness" that I can't find on my own.

I feel like it would make me grow up as well.

I'm not sure if I should stay on this "hoe" path, (which works for me a little I must admit), or finally start a life with more power and love than I could have ever tried to find on my "hoe" path.

I love my boyfriend. He's the Light of my Universe and I never get tired of his beautiful aura and energy in my life. I could never be happy without him. He makes me feel like I can do anything.

I am not going to be young forever, so being on my "hoe" path might work for another 5 years then where am I at? Misery. Because I never spread my seed and experienced love on a whole other level.

I am not a career woman. That's not my path, unless I'm not aware of some other force that's in me.

I'm a womanly woman. I'm feminine. Shouldn't feminine women be taken care of and take care of their man? That's me.

I get my shit together, and I run to my boyfriend where I feel bonded to him. His heart is so golden. I love it.

I couldn't find that same beautiful relationship in a classroom, a drugged out artistic guy, an asian money machine, a retail store, etc.

I just want to be with my boyfriend and see his face when he gets home.

It doesn't matter what gifts he has for me, as long as I'm healthy and well fed.

I can just be at peace laying on top of his warm body and looking into his kind eyes.

All the rest seems to fade away when we're making love that considered "a new day".


To be continued.